(When I started writing this series, the goal was to help me keep my focus on specific ways that we could give to the kids, and also communicate with everyone back home ways that you could help. The results haven’t been quite what I expected. I’ve learned that there isn’t a formula, not a big surprise, if I gave Janna a rose every day and a hug at 8:30 sharp, she wouldn’t feel loved, I have to be creative, and intentional. I’ve also learned that sometimes the worst thing I could do is give, not always, but sometimes. That fits too, that’s why Mom and Dad didn’t give me everything thing when I was growing up. I’m learning that sometimes the best thing you can give isn’t a thing.)
Right about the time I posted the first article in this series, I went bowling with a few of the kids from Safe Haven. Janna was supposed to come too, but she was sick, so I went solo. We had been thinking about how we could give gifts to the kids that would make them feel special. So my thought was that if I asked them to go bowling with us, and we paid, it would be a very special gesture. It was a small group: Roma, Ira, Roma’s little sister, Vika, and John, and American living at Safe Haven. Roma talked to the person at the desk and got a lane for us. Then he turned and told us how much we all owed. “I was actually going to pay for all of us.” I said. Roma gave me a funny look, and said, “No.” He said it with the finality that suggested that to argue would be an insult to him, so I reluctantly dropped it.
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| Roma and Ira watching me bowl badly |
We bowled. We had a fun time. Roma won (though I’m sure the lane wasn’t properly waxed, because my bowls had a lot more hook than normal), but I was bummed the whole time because I hadn’t been able to pay for the game for them. I kinda felt like a failure, but tried to make the best of it. After the game was over, we went to the food court and ordered a pizza, I thought, “hey, here’s a chance to redeem myself.” But they wouldn’t have any of it, and we all paid our share. I didn’t get anything to drink because the drinks were 3 times the price I could get them for in the grocery stores and I had to run to the grocery store of the way home. Ira thought this was weird and she asked me what I normally like to drink, “Coke, Fanta, Kvas?”
“Nah, I’m a water or juice kind of guy.” I told her as we started eating our pizza.
Now, at this point in time most of the time we spend with the kids at Safe Haven is a little uncomfortable on some level simply because of the language barrier, there are so many things that are just impossible to talk about right now. But Ira and Roma started talking about something and occasionally they would look at me. I’m sure everyone knows how unnerving that can be.
“Don’t worry about it.” I thought to myself. And started thinking about what my next attempt to do something nice for these guys would be.
Then Roma got up and left. “Where is he going?” I asked John.
“I think he’s gone to get something for Ira,” John told me. So, we tried to talk with Ira and Vika a little. They complemented my Russian for being so good considering I’d only studied for six weeks. That made me feel really good.
Then Roma returned and plopped something down in front of me. It was a bottle of juice. I looked up at him curiously, and then over at Ira, who was looking very happy. “Now you have something to drink.”
I couldn’t keep myself from thinking, “She’s such a woman, always trying to take care of everyone.”
As I sat there, I started thinking about how I had failed, I wanted to give to the kids, I wanted to make them feel special, and yes, I wanted to be the hero today. But then I looked again at Ira and I saw how happy she was that she was able to do something for me. I’m a rich American, I don’t need anything, but she was able to give me this one little kindness. And here I was, at least on an internal level, trying to ruin it by feeling sorry for myself.
God forgive me for my arrogance.
The world over, young people battle with feelings of being useless. Being needed, being able to give is a wonderful medicine. I’ll never forget the summer I worked with Passport camps. One week, one of the girls in my group, Elena, got very worked up about how her older brother was treating her. She was mad and didn’t want to talk to anyone, and had already yelled at one of the other kids in our group. So I sat her down and asked her what was up. She poured it out to me and cried, “I just feel so worthless.”
At the time we were working to clean up an old beat down house for Ms. Smith, this sweet little old lady in the outskirts of Charlotte. We were painting everything, but I wanted to do things that made our work extra special. We had gotten the materials to make a little flower garden around her front porch. So, I asked Elena if she would be willing to be in charge of making a beautiful flower garden for Ms. Smith. It was going to take a lot of work to make it really pretty, so I suggested she could use her anger to give her energy to make the flower garden. That first day she took her fury out on the weeds and dirt around Ms. Smith’s porch. But towards the end of the day, she took a break and talked to Ms. Smith on the porch. Ms. Smith said, with tears in her eyes, “I’m so glad you’re making me a flower garden. It will be wonderful here to sit here, see these beautiful flowers. You’ve given me something wonderful, and when I see them, I’ll think of you.”
The rest of the week Elena poured as much energy into that flower garden, but her energy was fueled by love and by purpose after that. And she took plenty of time to talk with Ms. Smith. It was hard for them to say goodbye at the end of the week. The last night, Elena came up to me and thanked me over and over again for asking to make that flower garden. “I was needed. I got to do something good.” She said through tears.
Most kids just have things given to them, orphans included. They aren’t needed. This is devastating for their self-esteem. I mean seriously, what’s the point of living if you aren’t needed? But it doesn’t have to be that way.
Last week Janna went to Safe Haven for a girl’s night. Janna wanted to bring home some of the food to me, so Ira loaded her up with muffins, homemade vareniki, and cake, because she didn’t want me to go hungry. Ira hasn’t stopped trying to take care of me, and I’m becoming more and more content with that.
I don’t know if she’ll ever know how grateful I am for the lesson that I’ve learned from her. When we visited the orphanage a few weeks ago, the kids had just been given packages of cookies. As I was walking around and saying “HI” to everyone, little Meisha held up a cookie for me in his grubby little fingers. My first instinct was to say no thanks, cause I don’t want to take a part of a present he’s been given, he’s just a poor orphan, right? Thankfully, I’m learning, and I saw the look of excitement on his face that he might be able to give me a present, even a little cookie.
“Spaceeba” (Thank you), I said as I snatched the cookie and wolfed it down. “Mmmm,” I moaned in over dramatic fashion, and then crushed him with a hug, “Spaceeba.”
I don’t think I’ve ever seen bigger, happier eyes.
Moments like that always make me think of my relationship with God. He has everything, everything I have is from him, and yet he still accepts my kinda gross cookies from my grubby little hands. And that always makes me feel really good.
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